i really think there's something wrong with me. earlier today i saw this girl at school wearing a 5sos concert shirt. and i should have been like, oh, that's so cool, she was at the same concert as me, she likes them too, i know literally no one else who likes 5sos so i should go say hi! but i'm not social or nice like that i'm not not a nice person i'm a petty bitch. so i was just glaring at her for like 2 solid minutes and i was thinking i fucking hate you why did you get a cooler shirt than me why are you cooler than me i wish you were dead so i could take it. and as i walked into 3rd period where i'm writing this i was thinking if the teacher asks about the weekend and someone says they're at the concert i'm gonna fucking kill you (it happened in 6th not 3rd and the whole time during 6th period i was biting my id card lanyard like an autistic fuck which i am). if my teacher sor my parents or my friends saw into my head they would like me at all or think i'm nearly as smart as they think i am.
but i only ever think these things. obviously. i don't really mean it. or maybe i do. i'm too much of a coward to do or say anything.
oh my god. the girl with the 5sos shirt is in my 3rd period. i hate her i HATE her. she better not be in any of my other classes (spoiler she is). it's like the 4th week of school and i barely know anyone still. i hate how i make no sense to myself. half the time it's like literally nothinga nd dull and blank and i go with the flow and don't give a fuck; then the other half i feel way too much. i get bothered too easily and then i just give everyone nasty looks and then later i feel bad. i don't know how anyone puts up with me. i think i hate myself more than anyone else ever could. i need more hobbies.
i feel like this is way too much and way too personal to put on the whole entire fucking internet when i can't even talk to my best friend like this. but that's why i do this i guess. to satisfy my irrational need to be heard but also ignored.
P.S.: oh my fucking god she's also in my 6th period i want to strangle her
fuck. post-concert depression is very real and i am experiencing it for the first ever time. god it's so bad. let me preface this by saying it was the best 4 hours of my whole entire life. haiden henderson was amazing and the band camino was amazing and 5sos was FUCKING AMAZING . i had never been so excited in my life; up until 5sos came i was staring wide-eyed and breathless and utterly starstruck. i felt the drumbeats in my chest. it was glorious. i want this every day. but i can't. i cried on the way home because in hindsight i feel so stupid coming here with just my dad and i know i had fun. i really did. but everything to me is worse in hindsight. and i cried because i don't think i'll ever see 5sos like this again. what if they take a hiatus or get old or something? i wish i was, like, 5 years older. or 10. and then i cried when i got home and i cried in the bathroom but my eyes are dry as i'm writing this. like, it's not gonna last forever, it won't, and shit now i'm crying again.
unfortunately i didn't really get good pictures of haiden there because i was still like dazed and figuring out how to hold the phone. things like that. technically this is my 2nd concert, but the first was when i was 8 or something and my dad took me to this weird metal concert and i had to wear earplugs, so that doesn't count. anyway my photos don't do him justice but haiden henderson's show was so sexy and my favorite song of his is lovesucker. it's stuck in my head in the best way.
the band camino too was amazing. i love these guys now; it's my first time ever hearing them. they've definitely made a fan out of me, and haiden has too. my favorite camino song is definitely One Last Cigarette or, i forgot what it was called, i think Stupid Question. 5sos has good taste in their openers i love these boys.
i don't want to put too many pictures here because i don't want to exceed the 1GB storage limit; i don't have money okay i can't be a suppoerter but i love you neoctieis. anyway. then... 9pm. or something like it. 5 seconds of summer walks in. the biggest boyband in the world. the biggest boyband you've never heard of. and like i can't even describe how i felt i think i'm in love and they started strong with No. 1 Obsession . my throat still hurts from, like, singing my lungs out for 2 hours. i want to do it again and again and again. i'm so jealous of people who are like 10 years older than me because they get to see 5sos as much as they want and will more than i ever will, and they don't need their parents to pay for it all. as soon as the concert ended i just felt, like, empty. like there was a hole in me i didn't know existed until it was filled all the way up with livesos and now its empty again but the difference is i know it's empty. i wish i was older. i wish i had a car. i feel like i was born 5, 6, 10 years too late, too late for everything i wish i could do. and then after this concert i just go live my boring life like normal and babysit and go home and repeat. it's so surreal. and depressing.
buttttt i want to end this on a positive note. we're not going to be pessimistic bitches here (shit it's already 2am). MERCH MERCH MERCH I GOT MERCH! i got a t-shirt with the DAILY SAUCE newspaper on the back, and also a fanzine with stickers. it's really cool. they're like collectable stickers. i would have gotten more but those 2 things alone were $95 or something and i saw my dad wince as he handed over his card. but, like, i never really ask for much, so it's ok, right? i'm going to take care of that shirt with my life. no normal washer settings. it's going super delicate in the dryer and washer so not a single little bit washes off.
P.S.: what's the best washer/dryer setting for graphic tees
good morning! suprisingly i woke up kind of early; yesterday i woke up, like, 10 minutes before i had to leave for school. and now i have time. and guess what, i'm wasting it, though i of course have homework to do. i always do. anyway today is a very very fun day for me. i'm going to a 5sos concert today. please tell me you know 5 Seconds of Summer. they're only the only boyband ever. this is going to be my first concert ever because i have no life (and no friends so i'm going with my dad). i'm happy as long as i get to go though. i think i'll put pictures here later today.
I think we need to, like, bring back joy. and whimsy. and recess in school. today i did Just Dance for the first time in, like, years in 5th period. that was the most carefree i've been in ages. i don't know. i think just as an overthinking teenager i think too much about how i look all the time when i'm doing things like dancing (i'm very bad at dancing i have no coordination). i'm not a very confident person and usually i don't do things like that, because just doing things, like physical things, especially things i'm interested in like track or whatever, is scary. sports tryouts are too scary. i've never even been to one. like, whenever i get called on in class i can literally hear my heartbeat starting go bmpbmpbmbp and i feel it. i might have social anxiety or something. but i did do the Just Dance. i went up and danced with 3 kind-of friends, you know those people who you're friends with but only in the classes you have together? it was so fun. we were like the only people who got up and did it. we got ice cream for it too. i feel like when we get older we forget how to have that kind of kid's fun.
And at lunch today me and my best friend climbed a tree. i haven't climbed a tree in like forever omg. we were like squirrels up there. after that we were swordfighting with a stick and my Hello Kitty umbrella i've had since i was 4, and now only fits one person (i swear it gets smaller every time i use it). then me and her and her friends who are my friends played ring-around-the-rosie and fell down in the grass laughing. it feels like some pivotal movie scene the way i describe it. it wasn't really, it was just fun, today was a really good day, and it'll get better with the concert later (i haven't picked an outfit i have no idea what i'm gonna wear and i leave in an hour!!!) i honestly think if highschools and middle schools had recess we would do a million times more activity than they make us do in gym glass and be a lot less depressed.
ew. as i'm writing this a ball of snot just fell out from my nose.