why did I have to get stuck with the white-ass military dude for a dad? like, a lot of my cousins an stuff marry white guys, but they're fun white guys. but no I get to be stuck with the socially awkward autistic fuck ass military dad. so now I'm awkward and autistic too. i don't even know what my mom saw in him i hate him he's ugly and eats standing up and his tooth fell out and he won't even wear the retainer until he can get it put back in professionally and he goes talking to people and smiling mouth wide open and they just stare at his mouth.
yesterday we went to my cousin's pre-wedding party. we'll call her nani because she's perfect and really fun and really pretty. and she can dance. her almost-husband's family is really big and our family is really big and they're all fun and social and love to dance, the kind that hugs you without even knowing your name; my side of the family all kind of stayed here. but me, having the fuckass military dad, we kept moving around state to state with just me, my fuckass brother and my fuckass dad, my other brother, and my loud fun social mom. just us. isolated. and i blame my dad for all my awkwardness. i can't even like talk to my extensive extended family because like how the fuck do i even talk. they're my family. and i can't even talk to them. i want to have fun and dance and be a sexy social butterfly like nani but that's just not who i am and i hate it.
and i hate my mom, too. i can't wear things i like i don't even have the clothes that i would like because of her; i have no life and no car so i go do my shopping with her. and her judgement crushes me. i'm scared to talk to her. i'm scared to ask for things. i hate her. i cannot be my own person until i move out. she says don't get tattoos, they're bad for you, and i love tattoos and i'm gonna get a shitton when i'm legal. she laughed at my perfectly normal baggy jeans for fuck's sake and puts it down to, oh, i know, that's whats trending, right?
but i love her. and because i'm a coward i literally depend on her in social situations. like the party. i was clinging to her arm the whole time. my other cousin's boyfriend was like, hey, i thought you were fun and he asked my cousin, does she ever talk? like, seriously, i couldn't tell you what her voice sounds like. he was drunk though. its fine. and my second cousin- he's 17 days younger than me (i feel 5 years younger) but suddenly he like sprouted up and grew up into a man and thinks he's a man and talks like a man. he's cool. his mom treats him like a man. i wish my mom would. that's why i like the babies in the family better; there are a lot. they're sweet and adorable and don't care what you do.
maybe if I'd been surrounded by fun people I would be a fun person. i don't know.